Yesterday the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency [DARPA, the same people who designed and constructed the US share of the internet] held its monumental Grand Challenge for Autonomous Ground Vehicles. DARPA offered US$1,000,000 to the first autonomous robot-car that could cover 150 miles through the Mojave Desert in less than ten hours.

Alas, the machines have lost this one; every single robot-car broke down. Even the NaviGATOR (see picture at right), developed by Gainesville's very own Team CIMAR. Why is the Pentagon spending $13 million on this "event"? The Grand Challenge FAQ makes it clear: "Congress and the Department of Defense view unmanned vehicle technology as a critical element of our future military capabilities."

Don't you see? Unless we develop robot-cars that can drive themselves and kill people (or blips on the screen that look like people), we'll be woefully unprepared for the future! And then how will we protect John Connor? (I suppose it's just a coincidence that the finish line for the race was in California.)

Elsewhere in killer-robot news, UC Berkeley's Human Engineering Laboratory, under the leadership of Dr. Frank N. Stein, has made some significant advances recently on its Berkeley Lower Extremity Exoskeleton [BLEEX]. (Check out that video!)

"The exoskeleton is not going to magically transform people into killing machines," insists Homayoon Kazerooni, who directs the project. "They're really good, it turns out, at enabling firefighters, soldiers, post-disaster rescue crews to carry heavy loads over great distances for hours." In other words, this robotic contraption will merely enable us to transform people into killing machines -- it has dozens of other, non-killing-machine applications as well.

Naturally, only people who hate Freedom will make connections between the obvious military uses to which this cyborg technology can be put and the fact that this project is funded primarily by DARPA.

On a totally unrelated note: Bush administration officials reminded the world today that the US simply doesn't have any money to provide medicine to people dying of easily curable diseases, or to feed the six million kids under the age of 5 who die from malnutrition each year.

Government, Etc.

Did you know that after Neil Bush was banned from the banking industry for his disgraceful role in the S&L fiasco, he changed gears and founded an education-software company called Ignite! Learning? Interestingly enough, the company offers tools to help kids pass standardized tests -- so beloved by his brother President George. What a remarkable coincidence! Check out Democracy Now! for details.

Oh, you thought COINTELPRO ended in 1971? No, no -- silly rabbit! It's turned into the Office of the National Counterintelligence Executive [NCIX]. (TPCQ: "We don't die -- we muliply!") Download and proudly display the NCIX Screen Calendar. ("Sound CI Mitigates the Fear Factor"!) "What can you do to mitigate the fear factor in your organization?" the NCIX asks. Well, I am a member of a terrorist organization, according to the Secretary of Education.

Candy Bar Watch

Apparently, the Hershey corporation has been flooded recently by people screaming for a return of the Reese's White Chocolate candy, because they're "back by popular demand." Maybe it's me, but this seems like just another case of altering one ingredient to pretend you've got a new candy bar. (EG, Milky Way Dark -- excuse me, Milky Way Midnight -- and Twix Peanut Butter.) White chocolate is very good -- my favorite Lindt Truffles are the white chocolate variety -- but I'm not wild about the White Reese's Cups. Stick with the classic.

Random

Why buy SunTzu's Art of War? The text is online!

Shaddup, Aristide! No one needs to hear your bellyaching.

Hey, look -- a three-headed frog! Probably doesn't have anything to do with global warming. Hand me the keys to my Hummer.

That woman who tried to use a million-dollar bill needs to be sent to the loony bin, not the state pen! (TPCQ: "Montgomery Burns, you're under arrest: Grand, grand, grand, grand larceny.")

This sausage is delicious! You can really taste the human body parts! (TPCQ: "But without the grease, all you can taste is the hog anus.")

Man, I really ought to grade some papers.

TimeWaster™

This is the reason Flash was invented: I Know Where Bruce Lee Lives. Remix old kung-fu movies. It's like EBN in realtime. (My favorite combo: Victory / space / C) The group responsible is doing some nice work. This one would be supercool if it weren't so sexist and degrading.

Today I'm listening to: Pigface!