To the prospective students walking around the UW Memorial Union tonight: Run! It's all lies! They just want your money -- your soul will be swallowed by the vortex of sin and mind-altering chemicals! (Actually, we used to shout this one at prospectives at New College all the time.)

To cars marked STUDENT DRIVER, as I speed toward them: AAA! Look out -- my brakes aren't working! I hope you've got an airbag! Bleah! Lookout!

To my insane neighbor lady: My dog is a [expletive deleted] female! No y-chromosomes, dammit! FEMALE!

To Snake 'n' Bacon: You're real bacon! Sssss!

To Colin Quinn: You are NOT funny and you never have been! You definitely do not deserve a show on Comedy Central!

To the essays I've been grading for weeks: Ha ha! I'm DONE! So boo-ya-ka on you, [expletive deleted]es!

To people who don't use their turn signals: What the [expletive deleted] is wrong with you!? If I truly hated anyone, I would hate you!

To people who read my blog but never post comments: What do you think the comments box is there for!? What the [expletive deleted] is wrong with you!?

TimeWaster™

Here, look -- all sorts of backwards messages in popular music. Really.

Today I'm listening to: Mad Professor, the perfect hot-weather music!