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Thursday, June 24, 2004

Home Again 

We're back, y'all! Check out the cool pics from the trip.

America At Its Best

Every time I fly, I leap immediately for the SkyMall™, America's most complete collection of overpriced useless crap. Some of my favorite new entries this time around are:
  • The Fling and Fetch. "Give your dog a workout with this ingenious steel frame that flings tennis balls up to 220' with minimal effort. A relief for pet owners with inexhaustible four-legged friends, the fling-and-fetched supplies vigorous exercise for pets, without tiring owners." Dude, if you can't throw a ball for your dog to retreive, then you've got more serious problems than playing fetch.

  • The Seascooter Water Propeller. "Charge it up, hold the ergonomic hand grips, squeeze the trigger throttles and zoom smoothly along the water at up to 2 mph. Duck and dive quickly - without tiring - to depths of up to 15 feet." I must have gotten the Special Chronic Fatigue Edition of SkyMall™. Only Mr. Burns and T. Herman Zweibel need motorized devices in order to go swimming.

  • The Spray-On Tanner. "Why risk your health and damage your skin by over-exposure in the sun? With this air brush tanning system, you'll get a completely natural-looking, streak-free tan without the health risk." There's nothing I can possibly say to make this any more hilarious.

  • The Stock Orb. Keep track of your stocks with . . . this glowing thing. "Ooh, mauve! I'm rich!"

  • The Vocal Smoke Detector. Seventeen feet in diameter, it hovers over your child while he sleeps and threatens repeatedly to eat him.
And of course, some of my old favorites:
  • The Gaudy Neon Artificial Palm Tree. "Its sturdy acrylic trunk supports 30 silk palm fronds and creates a tranquilizing mood as colorful bubbles float effortlessly to the top."

  • The Air Travel Pillow. Yes, you'll be the hight of airline fashion with this baby. It's rivalled only by The Relax 'N' Nap Pillow. But of course, you'd look ridiculous taking that on an airplane.

  • Monster Basketball. Only $500! "You can play it anywhere." Uh, no, I really don't think so.

  • The Double Dance Mat. "Develop Basic Dance Skills The Best Way - Without Distracting Music!" Yes, there's nothing worse when you're trying to dance than having that annoying music getting in the way. Damn beat -- it's messing up my rhythm!
But the all-time, number one, best-example-of-hysterical-consumerism-writ-apocalyptic has got to be:
The John Lennon Imagine 24k Gold Record. "This John Lennon Gold Record features "Imagine" lyrics and the likeness of his face in 24k gold. Also included is a piece of the Tittenhurst studio door where the album was recorded. This limited edition has a Certificate of Authenticity." $225.00.
There is no possible way anything satirical can ever be said about this item. If you think that there could ever possibly be a valid reason to purchase this item, then you need to read the lyrics to Imagine right freaking now.


Pan Dances! 18.6 MB QuickTime.

Today I'm listening to: Sorten Muld! It's okay, their lyrics are all in Danish too.