100 Things

email me

Listen to the Deviant SynCast! [Archive]

TPCQ = Tangential Pop Culture Quote

Why I Link to Amazon

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Sunday, June 27, 2004

Robocop 2 Is The Worst Sequel Ever Made 

Yes it is. It's worse than Star Wars: Episode One. Why on Earth did I waste another two hours of my life by watching this atrocious turd of a movie again? I haven't seen Robocop 3 yet, but I rented it today, too. So I'm bracing myself for the possibility that it might be worse. But I doubt it.

Why is Robocop 2 the worst sequel ever made? (This list has spoilers, but insofar as they might keep you from somehow watching the movie, they should be called "preservers.")
  1. The Mass-Murderer Cyborg. I'm serious. Some woman at OCP decides that for the Robocop 2 prototype, they should put the brain of a mass-murderer into it. Brilliant! This, of course, is after one other prototype shoots itself in the head and another rips off his faceplate to reveal -- for some reason -- a screaming human skull.

  2. The Drug-Dealing Twelve-Year-Old. Again, not kidding. The drug lord Cain knows that Robocop can't shoot a kid, so he has a kid working for him, cursing up a storm and shooting police officers and selling Nuke.

  3. Nuke. Nuke is the drug sold by Cain and his cult. (Yes, it makes perfect sense that a drug dealer would also be the leader of a cult.) When you shoot up, it makes a sound like a tire-air-pressure gauge makes when you check the air in your tires. Did I mention that Robocop 2 is addicted to Nuke?

  4. Day-Glo Graffiti Under Blacklights on City Streets. The first scenes of the movie (after the lame attempt to replicate the excellent pseudo-ads from the first) show horrible scenes of violence, wherein everyone attacks everyone in a frenzied attempt to get money for Nuke. This goes on in front of brick walls painted with great care with graffiti done in fluorescent paint, lit by black lights for some reason. I guess that's how graffiti will look in the future.

  5. The New Directives. In an attempt -- I guess -- to mock parents who object to violence in the media, the filmmakers at one point have OCP overload Robocop 1 with over 200 new directives. These include things like "Avoid interpersonal confrontations" and "If you can't say anything nice, remain silent." (These also appear on the diagnostics monitors as multicolored directives for some reason, whereas his original 4 were always plain white.) As a result, Robocop 1 becomes paralyzed by conflicting orders and ends up doing absurd things like shooting at someone who is smoking; reading a dead man his Miranda rights; and allowing a violent criminal little league team which has ransacked an electronics store to escape as he lectures them on nutrition.

  6. The Violent Criminal Little League Team. As the kids swipe electronics and smash the store owner's kneecaps with a baseball bat (while others yell "harder!"), the coach of the team loads up the minivan with stolen goods and shoots at cops. I'm speechless as to how to comment here.

  7. The Use of High-Voltage Electricity To Erase Superfluous Directives. To rid himself of the paralyzing extra orders from OCP, Robocop 1 marches out of the police station and grabs the conduits of an electricity junction box. For some reason, this wipes all of his directives clear, but leaves his operating system intact. Yes, it makes perfect sense.

  8. Excessively Gratuitous Violence. It's hard for me to claim that this movie is more gratuitously violent than something directed by Paul Verhoven, Mr. Toxic-Sludge-Melting-Guy-Splattered-Against-Truck himself. But the stuff in Robocop 2 isn't even funny or chilling. It's just gratuitous. Eye gouging, vivisection, and too many bullet wounds to bother counting.
There's more, but to continue would merely extend the pointlessness of the movie. But here's the kicker: Robocop 2 was co-written by Frank Miller! Yes -- the same guy who did The Dark Knight Returns, one of the best graphic novels ever written! What the fudge?

Redeeming things about Robocop 2:
  1. Mayor Marvin Kuzak is played by Willard E. Pugh, who also played Trustus Jones in CB4.

Hello Kitty Has No Mouth.

Today I'm listening to: The Avalanches! ("That boy needs therapy.")