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Monday, July 12, 2004

The Adventures of Crazy Neighbor Lady, Part XVIII 

This week on The Adventures of Crazy Neighbor Lady (see artist's conception at right -- the real Crazy Neighbor Lady has no pets), watch as Kathy (not her real name) launches a new tactic for unleashing her insanity upon the world -- and especially her neighbor, Erik (not the real spelling of his name): Rapid-fire questions that make no sense and nearly defy response!
Thursday night. Pizza deliveryman knocks on Erik's door. As always when anyone knocks, Erik's dog Eislouch (not her real name) begins barking violently and will not stop until long after the following exchange. As Erik goes out to pay the man and get his pizza, Crazy Neighbor Lady opens her door and -- before it is fully opened -- begins demanding to know things.

Crazy Neighbor Lady (forcefully, staccato, loudly): Hey, Nick! Whatcha doing?

Erik (who always gets called Nick for some reason, as he signs the check): Just ordering a pizza.

CNL: What kind!?

E: Cheese.

CNL: Sounds good! How much did it cost!?

E: About ten bucks.

CNL: Yeah, what are you doing tonight?

E: Just eating pizza, watching a movie.

CNL: What movie!?

E (randomly picking a title that might be easy to explain): Star Wars.

CNL: Oh yeah? What's that one about!?

E (stunned that she hasn't heard of it): It's a science fiction movie about a war going on in outer space.

CNL: Oh yeah? Who's in it!?

E: I dunno, it was made a long time ago.

At this point, the pizza man leaves and, grateful for the distraction, Erik blurts out "seeyoulaterKathy" and ducks inside. The next morning, Crazy Neighbor Lady is sitting on the steps outside their building, smoking cigarettes. Erik emerges to walk Eislouch.

CNL: Hey there, Nick! What's your dog doing today!?

E: She's just going for a little walk.

CNL: Oh yeah? Why does he like to do that!?

E: I dunno. She's just happy to be outside, I guess.

CNL: Well, I bet he's happy to get up in the morning.

E: Yeah, I guess so.

CNL: What's he going to do today!?

E: What the [expletive] do you mean, what is he going to do today? SHE is a DOG, for flood's sake! What do they ever do? She's going to sit around the house, drink some water, beg for scraps when I make lunch, and shed all over the apartment! Quit asking questions that don't make any sense! And quit calling me Nick! And my dog is a SHE! I mean, I can sympathize with the fact that you've had some trauma or maybe you've got some chemical imbalance in your brain, but what the fudge!? This goes far beyond just being neighborly! I've known many crazy people in my day, and most of them manage to find ways to communicate that don't include constant aggravating interrogration and continual misrepresentation of pets' gender! Just clam up already, will ya!?

(There is a long pause.)

CNL: So what did he do yesterday!?
Join us tomorrow and next week and every day for at least another year as Crazy Neighbor Lady and her wacky friend Nick -- along with his male dog -- continue their fun-filled adventures!


Bubbles is kinda fun.

Today I'm listening to: Nonplace Urban Field!