For a while, I've been waiting to see -- mark my words, this WILL be the next step -- a commercial which uses reverse psychology to get people to buy the product. I don't mean the kind of you're-too-smart-for-ads ads like Sprite has been running; I mean ads like the one I made here for Folgers. Primus/KMFDM-style advertising, where the company claims its product is horrible and no one should buy it.

Then I got to thinking about viral marketing and those chowderheads Chris and Luke, who got a big corporation to sponsor their lives (can you imagine anything more pathetic?). And I got to thinking.

Corporations! Be the first to cash in on my new offer for this important groundbreaking market-penetration opportunity! For a small one-time donation of $100,000 each to the East Timor Action Network and Alachua County Labor Party, I will personally hold up your product once a week for a month on my blog and tell people it sucks.

Think about it -- what's the one unifying attribute of all ads? What do they all have in common? Right: The people are lying! Well, that won't happen when you hire me. When I tell people your product sucks, I'll be telling the unvarnished truth!

We all know that corporations no longer sell products -- you sell lifestyles! And what better way to appeal to jaded young people than by cashing in on their growing distrust of ads? If you let them know that you know that your product sucks, they'll be more likely to buy your product.

Trust me, people -- this WILL happen. You heard it here first. In fact, any corporation which uses this strategy without making the aforementioned payments to good-doing organizations is guilty of intellectual piracy and owes me several million dollars.

You're all witnesses.

TimeWaster™

I don't have time to find you stupid things to play with. Go find something for yourself at ABS.

Today I'm listening to: Music!