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Sunday, March 19, 2006

I Hate Video Game Dorks! 

I am so bloody sick of Video Game Dorks that I could vomit all night. Argh! May you all choke on your own epiglotti.

Who are the Video Game Dorks?

Allow me to define my terms. I myself am a video game addict. (This, you know.) I have no beef with people who play video games. A Video Game Dork is a person who does nothing but play video games, and they are ruining video games. I include in this category:
  1. People who make their "living" reviewing video games;
  2. Professional video game players; and
  3. Losers with no social lives and no pets and no family and no friends who do nothing but sit around and play every game they can find.
These people are killing video games because the game designers are designing everything for them, and they are bored with regular games normal people enjoy. This means that it's not enough now to have a Boss who's hard to kill -- now the bosses must be impossible to kill, except with some supremely asinine convoluted tweak of the environment.

Take The Punisher, the game which ignited this rant. Halfway through the game you fight (for the second time, what fun) a character cleverly named The Russian. You have an AK-47, but it won't hurt him. Really. So he lifts these huge barrels of whatever, lights them on fire, and throws them at you. You have to shoot the barrels after he lights them, but before he throws them. Oh, and he's up two stories above you on a catwalk. Also, there are other people shooting at you.

But that's not the annoying part! I managed to shoot enough of these stupid flaming barrels to defeat him, but then he leaps down to the floor and starts running at me. Shooting at him does nothing. Also, he's on fire. Really. Yes, really. I couldn't imagine what to do, so I just kept shooting at him, and I died and cursed and went online to find out what I have to do.

Turns out you have to shoot at these brown barrels to light them on fire, lure the flaming guy over to the barrel, and then shoot it again while he's standing near it. Are these people on drugs or something? What kind of degenerate reprobate considers this fun? (This, incidentally, is the same type of battle in the last scene of the otherwise-brilliant game Gun, so beware.)

And They're Screwing Up RPGs, Too

The Video Game Dorks are screwing up role-playing games, too! It's not enough to simply use SPELL POINTS and HIT POINTS like in a normal RPG. Now every game's got some stupid and impossibly convoluted arcana system, where you have to junction your summoning crystals to the path of destiny specific for your characters' weapon upgrades. It's [expletive] bookkeeping masquerading as "something new".

This is a value judgment coming up here, so prepare yourself for an uncharacteristically dogmatic comment: Video games are a way to relax and have fun. If you play them to make money, or feel better about yourself, or meet people online, then you are playing them for the wrong reason! You are no longer allowed to play video games. Go play competitive sudoku or join a bowling team.

Stupid dorks got me so mad.. grumble grumble.. missed the new Simpsons.. Using all caps and italics like an idiot.. stupid dorks..

Oh Yeah

I did a SynCast earlier. A little something for everyone. Except the Video Game Dorks. There's nothing for them.

They suck.


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Today I'm listening to: REM!