So apparently Wal-Mart has been reaching out to bloggers sympathetic to the plight of the world's largest corporation. According to the New York Times, he sent emails saying: "I'd like to drop you the occasional update ... and an occasional nugget that you won't hear about in the M.S.M." (Note to n00bZ: mainstream media, yo! Wal-Mart PR firmz is off the hizzy.)

As a world-famous blogger¹ who is well-known for being wildly supportive of corporations², I feel sad and left out by this news. After all, I've got a diverse readership and -- as the counter over to the left will attest, I've had over 100,000 hits in just over two years³. True, maybe half of those hits were me admiring my work and checking for new comments, but that doesn't diminish the fact that many people look to me as a sensible guide through the heady maze of post-20th century American culture.

Since I'm sure the PR execs are looking in by now: Listen up, Wal-Martians! I'm prepared to make you a special offer. Back in October 2004 I laid out a plan for youth-oriented companies to profit from both a prophetic marketing trend-to-be and my own indelible street cred. In case you don't have time to go back and read it, here's a brief recap (PR dudes are mad busy):

[T]his WILL be the next step -- a commercial which uses reverse psychology to get people to buy the product.... [W]here the company claims its product is horrible and no one should buy it....

For a small one-time donation of $100,000 each to the East Timor Action Network and Alachua County Labor Party, I will personally hold up your product once a week for a month on my blog and tell people it sucks.

As a token of my friendship and goodwill (TPCQ: "Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle.."), I am extending this offer to Wal-Mart. Take the leap into the brave new world of post-anti-non-post-consumerist marketing! Show the kids that you really speak their language! I've already taken the time to prepare a sample promo spot -- we're ready to roll! Just give the word.

And just in case anyone thinks I'm simply pretending to dislike Wal-Mart as a cheap ploy to extort money, here are some reasons why you should never go to Wal-Mart:

1. Labor violations in Bangladesh and Honduras
   
   
2. Bullying its way into communities where it's not wanted
   
   
3. Forcing record companies to censor themselves
   
   
4. Flagrant, offensive union-busting
   
   
5. Sprawl, sprawl, sprawl
   
   
6. The company doesn't provide health care, so states have to pick up the slack
   
   
7. Some broads are mad at Wal-Mart, and if you also oppose them, you can pick up chicks
   
   
8. Wal-Mart is bad for the planet's ecosystems
   
   
9. Oh, just read the book already!
   
   
10. Or watch the teevee show

¹I once got an email from some guy in Canada who liked something I wrote. Or maybe that was about something on 3D Go

²Especially the huge multinational kind

³104 weeks

TimeWaster™

This glaucoma song is glorious! I totally want to get me some glaucoma now. Via MoFi.

Today I'm listening to: Groove Salad!