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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Wal-Mart: Always Doofuses. Always. 

So apparently Wal-Mart has been reaching out to bloggers sympathetic to the plight of the world's largest corporation. According to the New York Times, he sent emails saying: "I'd like to drop you the occasional update ... and an occasional nugget that you won't hear about in the M.S.M." (Note to n00bZ: mainstream media, yo! Wal-Mart PR firmz is off the hizzy.)

As a world-famous blogger1 who is well-known for being wildly supportive of corporations2, I feel sad and left out by this news. After all, I've got a diverse readership and -- as the counter over to the left will attest, I've had over 100,000 hits in just over two years3. True, maybe half of those hits were me admiring my work and checking for new comments, but that doesn't diminish the fact that many people look to me as a sensible guide through the heady maze of post-20th century American culture.

Since I'm sure the PR execs are looking in by now: Listen up, Wal-Martians! I'm prepared to make you a special offer. Back in October 2004 I laid out a plan for youth-oriented companies to profit from both a prophetic marketing trend-to-be and my own indelible street cred. In case you don't have time to go back and read it, here's a brief recap (PR dudes are mad busy):
[T]his WILL be the next step -- a commercial which uses reverse psychology to get people to buy the product.... [W]here the company claims its product is horrible and no one should buy it....

For a small one-time donation of $100,000 each to the East Timor Action Network and Alachua County Labor Party, I will personally hold up your product once a week for a month on my blog and tell people it sucks.
As a token of my friendship and goodwill (TPCQ: "Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle.."), I am extending this offer to Wal-Mart. Take the leap into the brave new world of post-anti-non-post-consumerist marketing! Show the kids that you really speak their language! I've already taken the time to prepare a sample promo spot -- we're ready to roll! Just give the word.

And just in case anyone thinks I'm simply pretending to dislike Wal-Mart as a cheap ploy to extort money, here are some reasons why you should never go to Wal-Mart:
  1. Labor violations in Bangladesh and Honduras

  2. Bullying its way into communities where it's not wanted

  3. Forcing record companies to censor themselves

  4. Flagrant, offensive union-busting

  5. Sprawl, sprawl, sprawl

  6. The company doesn't provide health care, so states have to pick up the slack

  7. Some broads are mad at Wal-Mart, and if you also oppose them, you can pick up chicks

  8. Wal-Mart is bad for the planet's ecosystems

  9. Oh, just read the book already!

  10. Or watch the teevee show
1I once got an email from some guy in Canada who liked something I wrote. Or maybe that was about something on 3D Go

2Especially the huge multinational kind

3104 weeks


This glaucoma song is glorious! I totally want to get me some glaucoma now. Via MoFi.

Today I'm listening to: Groove Salad!